frail refuges

“Where could I go from your Spirit? Where could I run and hide from your face? If I go up to heaven, you’re there! If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!” 
– Psalm 139: 7-8

I used to do this thing when I felt rejected where I would retreat. I would either leave the setting that I was in or (if I was stuck where I was) I’d physically find a way to retreat into myself. You could find me tucked deeply into corners, or if I couldn’t find a corner, I’d retreat into myself. I’d pull my knees close to my chest, and wrap my arms around them, and wait for the rejection to pass. If it were REALLY bad, I’d even lay my head on my knees to take a moment to breathe.

 For a long time, I considered that posture my safe place.

For a split second, I could silence the world. I could hide away from everything that was happening around me, all the things that hurt, and the disappointment I constantly felt from not feeling protected or defended by God (ultimately, not feeling loved).

That season’s passed, & the Lord has taught me a lot about His love and the frailty of my refuge. It provided a sense of comfort for a while, but it never healed. This post isn’t necessarily about rejection (that’s soon enough), but I’ve been reading over this passage from Psalm 139 for a few days, and it’s reminded me of those days of that false refuge.

In whatever ways you’re coping, God wants to encourage YOU that the He sees you.

– Wherever you run, He’s there (verse 7)
– If you’ve made sin your lying place, He’s there (verse 8
– If you take refuge in isolation & darkness, He’s there.
– & even in the darkness, His hand will still lead you and His right hand will still hold you (verse 10)

He’s not even intimidated by our limited knowledge of darkness, and He never looks away in the middle of our pain or shame.

”It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you,” (verse 12‬, MSG)!

Your refuge can’t heal you,
Only the One that you’re turning from can.
He loves you. He’s waiting for you.
and despite what you think, He still thinks so highly of you.

“Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful! God, I’ll never comprehend them!”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:17, MSG

letting go of the box.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.

almost a year, to be exact.

But it’s been good and necessary. I took time (& still taking time) to process all of the things. (Trust me, the things in my heart did not need to be processed on anybody’s blog! Lol!)

The one thing that I do know is that the Holy Spirit is shattering/has shattered this box that I’ve put God & myself into.

I’ve always hated the fact that I seemed to be someone who was always processing something within her heart, but “the process” will forever be happening in my life. It will forever be happening in all of our lives, and it doesn’t always have to look a certain way. If it’s one thing that I’ve recently learned, it’s this: God can use the most unconventional measures to show you His hand in anything.

He invites us into unconventional measures. “For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so no human being might boast in the presence of God. So that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord,” (1 Corinthians 1: 25,27-29,31)

So, during this time away, the box that I’ve grown accustomed to has gotten too small for the gifts and talents on the inside of me. It’s gotten too small for my voice.

I don’t know what all is going on, but I do know this: I’m only 27 and I don’t have to know it all.

I don’t have to be in control. I don’t have to fear.

I don’t have to have an inkling as to where He has me, or where He’s taking me.

I don’t even HAVE to have a promise.

So, this is me,

& this is a bit of a re-intro back into blogging.