frail refuges

“Where could I go from your Spirit? Where could I run and hide from your face? If I go up to heaven, you’re there! If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!” 
– Psalm 139: 7-8

I used to do this thing when I felt rejected where I would retreat. I would either leave the setting that I was in or (if I was stuck where I was) I’d physically find a way to retreat into myself. You could find me tucked deeply into corners, or if I couldn’t find a corner, I’d retreat into myself. I’d pull my knees close to my chest, and wrap my arms around them, and wait for the rejection to pass. If it were REALLY bad, I’d even lay my head on my knees to take a moment to breathe.

 For a long time, I considered that posture my safe place.

For a split second, I could silence the world. I could hide away from everything that was happening around me, all the things that hurt, and the disappointment I constantly felt from not feeling protected or defended by God (ultimately, not feeling loved).

That season’s passed, & the Lord has taught me a lot about His love and the frailty of my refuge. It provided a sense of comfort for a while, but it never healed. This post isn’t necessarily about rejection (that’s soon enough), but I’ve been reading over this passage from Psalm 139 for a few days, and it’s reminded me of those days of that false refuge.

In whatever ways you’re coping, God wants to encourage YOU that the He sees you.

– Wherever you run, He’s there (verse 7)
– If you’ve made sin your lying place, He’s there (verse 8
– If you take refuge in isolation & darkness, He’s there.
– & even in the darkness, His hand will still lead you and His right hand will still hold you (verse 10)

He’s not even intimidated by our limited knowledge of darkness, and He never looks away in the middle of our pain or shame.

”It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you,” (verse 12‬, MSG)!

Your refuge can’t heal you,
Only the One that you’re turning from can.
He loves you. He’s waiting for you.
and despite what you think, He still thinks so highly of you.

“Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful! God, I’ll never comprehend them!”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:17, MSG

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